I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
