It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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