Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
