if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
