It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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