you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
