i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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