My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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