Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
