I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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