if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
