She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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