I bet he comes in French.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
