saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
