i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
