so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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