Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I haven't been this sober since birth.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
