My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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