I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
