im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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