Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
