i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
