You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
