I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
