marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
