Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
