you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
