I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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