I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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