considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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