Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
so much tequila, so little girl.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
