I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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