saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
