She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
