please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
