did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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