I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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