I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
