You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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