The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
