I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
