Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
