; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
