I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
