cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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