Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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