I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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