I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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