Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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