Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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