Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
