I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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