i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
