I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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