dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
